ADHD: a first person account

Jessica Gosche guest writes about her experiences

Back in 2011 when I was studying community psychology, I had the privilege of meeting and forming a friendship with a fellow student. We both got pregnant at the same time - her with her first, and me with my fourth. After graduation, our lives went in different directions, but we stayed in touch.

This year, for Neurodiversity Week she has kindly shared some vignettes of life and parenting with ADHD.

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Life with ADHD

by Jessica Gosche

The diagnosis

All my life I was criticised for not being on time, talking too much, being rude, and being bossy. I was told that if I just put more effort in, I’d live up to my potential. I was constantly criticised and judged for poor decisions, impulsive decisions, or outright bad decisions. I was left feeling like the only thing I was ace at was fucking things up.

That was until the age of 30. After a series of traumatic events, culminating with the suicide of my brother, I was accidentally diagnosed with ADHD. Yes, that’s right accidentally, if you can believe it.

It was during a session with the psychotherapist that I was referred to for grief counselling that the topic of anxiety and medication arose. Turns out, I qualified for a free session with a psychiatrist to do a review. I walked into his office; he took one look at my restless leg and one listen to the scattered thoughts rapidly flowing in conversation and immediately undertook ADHD screening. I aced the test!

I left with a script for different antidepressants and for ADHD medication. This was the start of a whole new level of insight into why I did things the way I did. It was also the beginning of positive impacts on my self-worth which had been shredded by my own lack of understanding of why I did things the way I did.

The ADHD narratives

Ahhhhh, the landscape of doom scrolling. There is an incessant barrage of ADHD reels. A proliferation of armchair experts or us neurospicy folk sharing our experience and insight. Some of the more unhelpful narratives include the following:

Everyone has a touch of ADHD”

ADHD is superpower!!

Why don’t you just [insert “helpful” suggestion here]

Side bar - I so often get criticised for how long I spend on my phone. It’s essentially my fidget toy. People underestimate how much I follow and observe and take in while seemingly “distracted” on my phone. I get accused of being rude, when having a phone to fidget with actually assists me with paying attention.

While many ADHD reels and shares are well-intended, it has a down-side of romanticising being neurodiverse. Yeah nah, there is nothing romantic or superpower-ish about this neurological condition at all! I find it debilitating, not empowering.

ADHD has a dark side. So often we so often don’t get picked up for ADHD but instead get diagnosed with depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, conduct disorder, oppositional defiance, rejective sensitivity, or bipolarity. Women especially can spend their lives dealing with these issues while battling undiagnosed ADHD.

Alongside this there is fatigue, insomnia, and soul destroying negative self-talk. I try to be positive and have researched it intensely. I have tried a million different things to find what works for me to manage my brain. Despite this, there remains a nagging voice on a constant loop - “Why can’t I just be normal?”

This disorder impacts Every. Single. Aspect of my life.

For sure, non-ADHD people have periods where they may feel scattered or fidgety or chaotic, but this comes with an ability to control, reduce, or manage these feelings. With ADHD, that feeling of chaos never goes away like it does for non-ADHD-ers.

Time blindness

People think you really are completely batty and don’t believe you when you try to describe what this is like. I’ve lost count of the number of times people have told met that I “just need to be more organised”. Other unhelpful advice includes:

• Write a list (ahahaha this achieves nothing).

• Set alarms (somehow this makes it worse??).

• Leave earlier (oh yes of course silly me hadn’t thought of this).

I legitimately have no idea of how long something actually takes. Your five minutes is not the same as mine!

I try and I try and I try … despite my best efforts I often fail to show up on time. This has a major negative impact on my perception of myself as being any good at things. It’s especially problematic when the social construct of time is so rigid.

ADHD and Parenting

My children are neurodivergent, like me.

I have searched high and low for parenting programmes that even remotely fit our reality. That’s not only because of our neurodiversity, it’s because I’ve been criticised about my parenting style. My laziness. My difficulty with engaging. The over stimulation and sensory overload. The laundry list of being told what I am doing wrong with my approach.

What is seen as “leniency” is actually me understanding where my kid is at on the day - and me making a choice about which battle to fight. Do I really need to battle about the floordrobe when my child is falling apart over a really tough day at school? The tough part isn’t the academics (although the rigidity about how one should be in class is another topic entirely) it’s actually the social environment.

The thing is, I know how their brains work. I know what ADHD is like as a kid - and I know what my kids need. I also know that punishing what others perceive as “naughtiness” and/or “rudeness” is incredibly unhelpful and only results in my child feeling worse about themselves. I also know that the meltdowns and the rage isn’t about hurting or punishing others - it is frustration directly entirely at themselves.

I will always wrap my babies up in love and compassion to calm them down. Once they are calm, we can work out what the underlying issue that they are upset about is. I choose to parent from a place of understanding. I know they may not get this understanding elsewhere. They are getting what I so desperately needed growing up – to be heard, to be seen, to be validated and to work on finding better ways of doing things.

I don’t want them to get to my age (mid-forties) and have to be putting in the hard yards like me to address repressed trauma, to have to work so hard to change negative behaviours, or to have to work through (re)discovered trigger points. I want my children to grow up knowing and understanding how their brains work, and that while this may differ from some, who they are is wonderful, exactly how they are.

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